I learned something about myself

I have gone through relationships in my life like somewhat of a robot. Instead of a heart beating inside me, it seemed there was an empty rusty little box.

I stayed up all night thinking about what he is worth to me. Did he deserve to be loved and adored? Probably not, but I was willing to give it a shot.

I've taken on the apologetic guy role. I want to wine and dine him and buy shiny things. He's not gay, so figuring a way to make it up to him shall be difficult. I actually sent him flowers. *cough* I know, I know. I have never done that in my life. I spent hours looking through hundreds of floral websites last night just to find "the one". He's a sucker for a good arrangement. As I mentioned above, he is not gay.

I guess I just need to be considerate. Like, a lot more considerate. He needs to work on that too, but if I make him as comfortable in life as possible, he'll feel like a complete ass everytime he does something wrong. And I want him to feel like an ass, dammit.

So, if all this doesn't get me laid, then he IS gay.

Let there be light

The borefriend decided to go to his parents house last night.

I went out with a lady from work who so badly needed to talk about her horrible home life, and since she can't quite stop yapping no matter how uninterested you look, I was pretty certain i'd make it home in no less than 2 days. However, it was closer to 2:00am.

The angry calls from the bf started at about 1am. This is the usual. I'm trying to explain the situation to him, without really explaining. I had and extra pair of ears next to me. Total awkward moment.

I get home not even realizing his car is gone. I run up stairs babbling my head off about how totally lame the entire night was, and I dive into bed. It's empty! Whaaaaat?

So, rather than discuss things with me, he runs to his mothers, no doubt spouting off about how all our problems are my fault.

You know what though? He's a total evil ass 99% of time, but I miss him. I miss him terribly. He's always mocking and saying offensive things, but I miss just knowing he is safe and sound near me.

I need some serious help. Sigh.