Holy Matriphoney

I know to everyone else we seem like a married couple, but at home it couldn't be more of a farce. He does perform some typical husbandly duties such as farting, picking his belly button, demanding I cook for him (the nerve!), and being a total tight-wad when it comes to me. I perform as a wife in such a way as I can nod and look interested in what he says about his day, when in reality I'm thinking about getting my hair done, or something else far more important than his "hard work day" and sometimes....I cook. But yes, I do avoid feeling like a wife as much as possible. I just can't give up my false sense of freedom, or my right to not wash his skivvies if I choose not to.

Today an appraiser came to the house and called me Mrs. Insertboyfriendsnamehere. It felt ugly and old and dusty and weird.

I'm going to go put some high heels on, a short skirt and walk by a construction site. That should make me feel better.

Sleeping Lovers

I don't know what I was dreaming about last night, but I woke up shirtless and wrapped around him. His shirt was pulled up too. We looked at each other through sleepy eyes and a tight embrace, then....."ARRRGHGHGGHHGHG!!" We pulled apart and quickly went to opposite sides of the bed as if something shameful had happened.

In the morning I wanted to bring it up as I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. It was a really awkward moment, and I could tell he didn't want to talk about it. He looked to the floor and mumbled something. Right then I knew I hadn't dreamt it, and I immediately tried to make excuses for how this could have happened. See, my subconscious knows that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but hasn't quite registered the bit about us believing the other has cooties.

I don't think I'm safe in the same bed as him anymore. We could have.....*gasp*...KISSED!

Maaaaan, he saw it

I barely started this thing, and already he has found it. No hanky panky for me!

Toad in the hole

He woke me up through the night. I was really getting into the whole sleep thing. Here I am with 185lbs of man sweating all over my face and breathing a wind tunnel through my ear canal. I had a mouthful of Gatorade, and rolled over and was back in slumber within 15 minutes. He was a little nicer today.

Boyfriends

I'm pretty sure everyone is misserable in their relationship. If you have made it together beyond a year, I seriously doubt those butterflies and giddy feelings are still present. I think the only purpose of having a boyfriend is so that you have someone to look at when you have nothing to read.

Yesterday

It was April Fools Day. I was going to play a trick on him. I thought about leaving an opened pregnancy test with two lines on it in the bathroom. Then I remembered we don't have sex. I also remembered he doesn't have a sense of humor. I couldn't think of another joke to play. I should have told him his dog ran away, but really put him up in the plush Pets Hotel for a couple of days. Man, I bet his reaction would be priceless. He hasn't cried in a while.